I have never been graceful. The only time anyone calls me "Grace" is sarcastically after the latest clumsy thing I've done. Better descriptors for me include:
Let me give you a glimpse of what it's like to be graceless. For instance, it is not uncommon for me to ram my shoulder into a wall as I turn a corner too quickly in my own home. How is this possible?
Was I walking with my eyes closed? No.
Was I drunk? Despite the tasty homemade liqueur, no.
Did I forget where the corner of the wall was? Unlikely.
Was I daydreaming that much? Maybe.
Was I simply too focused on where I wanted to be instead of where I was at the moment? Possibly.
Along with being a total klutz, I have a propensity to injure myself in unique ways. Despite my clumsy nature, I have never broken a toe before. When I finally do, it's not from stubbing my toe, yet again, on the furniture that's in the same place it's always been, it's from my crazy new dog running over my foot.
I blew out a tendon in my wrist and injured my back when pushing a heavy object on wheels by myself. How could I have hurt myself if it was on wheels? The wheels were locked. Who knew those things could be locked?
I cracked my elbow by forgetting (again, how is this possible?!) that I was standing on a two foot wall rather than at the top of the steps going up to that wall. I took a step, expecting to land on the next step down and instead landed face first on the ground. Yeah, that was fun.
My sweetie met me while this arm was still in a sling; it should have been a warning to him. It only took me a year to total his car by swerving to avoid a young cyclist that turned unexpectedly in front of me. I rolled the car and walked away with only a bruise on my leg from the steering wheel. The lack of blood was rather surprising considering there was an open box of glass recyclables in the back. The damage was more to his trust of me, I think, than physical that time.
I did get whiplash once but it was not from a car accident. It was from sneezing. Do you have any idea how stupid you sound when customers at your workplace see your whiplash collar and ask, "Oh, were you in an accident?" and you have to reply, "No. I sneezed."? It was humiliating.
Public Service Announcement
If you sneeze violently as the norm, and by this I mean that your typical sneeze scares people around you, then you must obey one simple rule. When you sneeze, sneeze straight forward. Do not turn your head to the side as a violent sneeze could result in whiplash (and humiliation).
Cover your nose with a hanky, if possible, or turn your whole body to face away from someone or the table, but do not turn your head only. The force of the sneeze puts a lot of abrupt stress on the neck which it can more easily handle if moving straight forward rather than twisting.
Recently, I fell off my bike going less than 5 miles per hour because I took both hands off the handlebars at the same time to pull my shirt down so my undies wouldn't show. I know I can't ride without at least one hand on the handlebars so why did I do this? Someone, please tell me! Why do I do these stupid things?!
This morning, in typical fashion for me, I knocked a small heavy glass bottle off a cabinet shelf. It landed, also typical for me, squarely on my one bruised and broken toe. I have ten toes. Did it have to land on this one? Needless to say (but I will anyway), I am not a Happy Camper right now.
Is it any wonder my sweetie won't buy me power tools? I mean, I've had to prune branches six inches in diameter by hand with a pruning saw! However, I can't help but agree when he says he really doesn't want to have to call me Stumpy.