Is Imperfection Healthy?

I have a theory. I think that seeking perfection may be unhealthy. The desire to be perfect can drive the seeker crazy because it's damn near impossible to actually be perfect. Despite our best intentions, most of us will slip up and miss the mark at some point in our lives. Often at many points.

Is this so bad? As long as one is striving to do the best he or she can, pushing oneself to improve, is imperfection something to be ashamed of? I don't think so. In most cases, being imperfect does not result in death - our own or someone else's. It may result in embarrassment, humiliation, a lost opportunity, and occasionally bigger losses. However, making mistakes also leads to opportunities for personal growth and continued learning.

This doesn't mean that willful imperfection is a worthy goal. Remember, I said that as long as someone does the best they can, falling short of the goal is not the end of the world. Not bothering to even try, on the other hand, is not behavior to be proud of. Forgiving oneself for failing to be perfect is more likely to result in a willingness to keep trying than beating oneself up over every imperfection.

Sounds like I know what I'm talking about, doesn't it? I should. I am the world's worst self-critic. For years, family, friends, coworkers, and even readers of this blog have told me I should take it easier on myself. "Yeah, yeah," I always thought, "easy for you to say. You don't have to live up to my expectations!" I knew I was hard on myself but dammit, I expect more from me. Why shouldn't I expect perfection?

Because perfection is probably impossible. I didn't realize just how critical I was of myself until a few years ago. I participated in a study on how mindfulness meditation impacted those with recurring depressive tendencies. Those of us who expect perfection of ourselves often tend towards depression since we will never be as perfect as we think we should be and therefore we're always disappointed in ourselves. A few weeks into the study, I was doing my daily required meditation when it hit me - at a visceral level - how incredibly hard on myself I tended to be. It was like getting sucker-punched in the gut and it left me sobbing. I called the researcher conducting the study and she talked me through it. It was not a pleasant experience at all but it was the first time I truly understood how I had been treating myself.

One would think that after going through this, I would have given up my perfectionist ways. I did, for a while. Then several years passed, I've long since given up my daily, helpful meditation practice, and I started reverting to my old ways. I actually started setting myself up for failure, in part as a result of this blog. In striving to create unique challenges, inspire my readers to push themselves to try new things (or give up old ones), and change behavior in a radical way, I began to expect perfection from myself again.

This occurred to me yesterday when I met a good friend at the farmers market. I complained to her that I was struggling with this week's menu because ultimately I really missed eating out. For me, eating out is an opportunity to get a break from kitchen chores. Although I love cooking and creating tasty meals, sometimes I just want someone else to do the work. By setting up this challenge of not spending any money on food through the end of the year, I had boxed myself into a corner of having to plan and prepare every single meal for weeks to come. She suggested that if I was a little more moderate in my challenges, I wouldn't find myself in these kinds of binds. I reminded her that I am not good at moderation and tend to do better with clear cut black-and-white rules. Give me an inch and I'll take a mile. She laughed, and may have even rolled her eyes a bit....in a nice way, of course.

She planted a seed, though, that grew into a realization by evening that she may be right. After an exhausting day and still dealing with some neck pain I've had for the past week, I was not up to cooking last night. Knowing it was failing in my own challenge, I asked my sweetie if he wanted to go get a burrito for dinner rather than the option of boiling pasta and throwing sauce on it because I didn't have the energy left to make anything. I was secretly thrilled when he said he wanted a burrito, but worried that he'd be disappointed in me regarding the challenge slip. His understanding that there are bumps only the road reminded me that my expectations of myself are often too high and my condemnations of myself for slipping up often too harsh. The burritos were great.

I'm not the only one that is struggling with tough challenges. Daharja had some slip-ups in her water challenge recently and now questions whether to give up the challenge entirely or get back on the horse with more determination. Some of the comments recommended modifying her challenge to still be challenging but not so difficult as to make her miserable and prone to slipping up. It's a tough call, and I'll be interested to see what she chooses.

For me, I am going to continue to strive to spend no money on food through the end of the year. However, I've also decided that, if I choose, mindfully, to spend money and examine the reasons why I made the choice, I will not beat myself up over it. I am not giving myself free rein to go shopping or out to restaurants whenever I feel like it, but rather trying to turn this challenge into a learning experience, one where I can gain insights into how and why I make the choices I do. I am giving myself permission to be imperfect and still be happy. Trying to be perfect has not made me happy because I rarely succeed.