Not quite what they expect

I find it interesting when people find that I am not what they expect. This has happened frequently over my life, but it still does not cease to amuse me.

As a kid, people thought of me as a goody-two-shoes, polite, pretty smart kid, probably partly as a result from associations with my siblings and parents. For the most part, I was what they expected but when I'd break out of the mold, it surprised them. Like the times when I said what was really on my mind... Those were the times my mom scolded me for being "tactless" and I think at times she gave up hope that I'd ever get over that. I did learn to give a good apology back in those days but it took longer to learn to keep my real opinions to myself.

When I hung out on the strike line with my high school teachers, that action shocked those who thought of me as one who always followed the rules. My dropping out of high school altogether probably surprised them even more. Thank goodness the state still funded GED programs back then; Arizona is slashing programs left and right to try to balance its budget nowadays.

Several times at the CSA, people have made assumptions about me that were quite wrong. I am willing to do whatever jobs need to be done - my ego is not tied up in my "job" - so people often see me doing grunt work such as dusting, sweeping, and mopping. One person was stunned when I mentioned having worked as an intern in Washington, DC, many years earlier. I guess he didn't picture me as anything other than a janitor. Another gal, unhappy that I would not sign up for her little email newsletter reporting on current news items, assured me that it was okay - she was really aiming it at those folks who were college-educated. Imagine her surprise at learning that not only was I college-educated, I graduated summa cum laude. Hello! Just because I mop the floors and organize the egg cartons doesn't mean I am ignorant.

Nor does my being unemployed mean that I am incapable of work. While my work history does not match the career path that was expected of me, it followed the right path for me. As a young woman, when I finally got a job working in a place that I loved, I would have been happy to stay forever. Being content and happy with where I was, however, was viewed as unacceptable and I was chastised for not chasing after career advancement. My response to that was, ultimately, to leave rather than be forced into a job that I had no interest in.

I've worked in a variety of other jobs since and have surprised and puzzled bosses when I chose to leave. In some cases, I left because I lost respect for the boss (this was not verbalized - I have learned some tact over the years!) but in other cases, I simply left because the job was not the right fit. When I've really wanted outside employment, I've generally been able to find it, although I don't know if that would hold true in today's market. Anyway, I'm too busy to "work" thanks to gardening, bargain hunting, foraging, and food preservation.

The fact that I don't want to be a wage slave messes with people's expectations, though. We have learned to live within our means at a lower standard of living so that it is not necessary for us to always have two incomes. This means being content with getting most furnishings and clothing used, not having the latest cell phone, not eating out at the fancy restaurants, and generally not being typical consumers. Unfortunately, the lower household income also impacts bigger dreams, such as finding our own little doomstead within our budget.

I seem to continue to shock people in small ways. I'm sure a few CSA volunteers were startled to hear my yearning to have my own chickens since they know I don't eat meat or eggs. However, I want chickens to help control garden insects, provide fertilizer, and help feed the dogs. I'll have no problem feeding the eggs to the dogs but may need help when it comes time to cull the flock. Fish in an aquaculture system are another possibility to enhance gardening and feed the dogs. We debate whether we'd want to go even further and raise rabbits or meat guinea pigs for the dogs. We suspect that we'd find it hard to kill the cute little mammals and they'd end up as pets instead.

From his reaction, I know I surprised one of the CSA members this past week. We were chatting before the pick-up started and I mentioned that I tend to have a temper. He's read my blog in the past and we've visited occasionally before, so he has this notion of who I am. Someone with a temper apparently did not fit his image of me. That's not surprising since it is something that is not unleashed for public consumption; I was raised to believe that publicly displaying anger or frustration is not appropriate in civil society. In order to deal with these periodic feelings as a youth, I chopped wood for our fireplace.

Chopping wood was, and still is, an incredibly satisfying activity. Major muscle groups are involved in the physicality of swinging the axe. The mind is engaged with hand-eye coordination needed for an accurate strike. And the violence of the act does not result in destruction, but rather yields something usable. Back in my youth, I also frequently had the urge to break things but never did because I couldn't bear the thought of wasting stuff. When I finally discovered a knack for mosaic art, it was thrilling because I could break things for a good cause.

I no longer do mosaic - multiple moves discouraged having hundreds of pounds of tile and grout - and have no reason to chop wood. I dream of finding our own home soon so we can build the cob oven we want outside and I can persuade my sweetie that we really would be better off with wood heat than gas, even here in the warmer desert. These things will finally give me a reason to pick up an axe again and work off some pent-up energy. Then I could sit and relax, watching the antics of chickens chasing bugs.