Tossed in the Garbage

With the way I'm feeling these days, it was far more distressing yesterday than it normally would have been to discover my name tag for the first day of the new CSA session was tossed in the garbage ... before I was even aware name tags had been made. I'd walked by the little trashcan and noticed my name resting in there but had not investigated to see what sort of paper it was on. Later, another volunteer asked for a name tag since she'd seen some on other volunteers. I asked the appropriate person where to find labels to make one for her and was told they were already all made and in a drawer. Well, no. Mine was made and in the trash. She didn't have one at all.

Why is the universe treating me like garbage?!


I was whining with another volunteer yesterday - and yes, I realize I am whining a lot and I hate that I keep having so much crap going on that is making me so miserable and whiny - and she told me about some tough times she faced years ago. In the midst of a series of horrible events, people kept telling her, "It's going to get better from here. Nothing else bad can happen to you." They were wrong, of course, and several more horrible things happened. In retrospect, however, she told me this was a turning point for her life. Rather than her life's path gently changing direction as she went along, it smacked her right up against a brick wall and bounced her off in a completely new direction. For her, it has turned out to be a very good direction.

Our focus for the last two years has been on the future and what we need to do to prepare for it. Living in the present, doing the things we enjoy, these have been sacrificed. We are trying to regain that aspect of our lives but finding it very challenging. What we'd like to be doing and where we'd like to live are not always compatible with being prepared for the future, the current economy, and our financial situation. I'd love to just "follow our dreams and trust the Universe" but considering how poorly things have been working out for us, that sounds like a suicide mission.

There are possibilities that we can work things out here with the bureaucrats. Well, actually, that we can bend over and get screwed (without lube), and then seriously modify our plans for the property in the future.

There are advantages to staying here: we already have the place, we've got a share in a well, we've got good soil (although it needs more compost added to retain moisture), my sweetie has a decent job, I work for our CSA share instead of paying cash, and we know the region - and by this I mean both what resources are available here and the southwestern desert climate.

The disadvantages to staying here are having to always do work-arounds to use our own property, giving up the ability to do some things we want (fun stuff) and things we need to do (long-term survival stuff) on the property, it's only going to get hotter and dryer here in the desert, and my sweetie's job is just that - a job. Nothing inspiring or particularly special for him; just a secure paycheck.

We have talked and talked and talked about our options and still can't make a decision. One hour we're sure we'll stay and the next we're sure we won't, but without a good idea what other realistic options would be. Neither of us have rich relatives that are going to die soon and leave us a bundle of cash and we don't play the lottery, so whatever choice we make will be financed by our own hard work. And in this economy, there are a whole lotta people out there desperate and scrambling for any crumbs left from the pie. The pie seems to be getting smaller all the time and the fruit in it is not quite at the peak of freshness any more.

I don't want sympathy (although empathy is nice). If you have any suggestions on how to move forward, please toss them out there. And by there, I don't mean in the garbage.