Practice Saying No

Do you always agree to do things others ask of you - even if you don't want to? Do you always answer questions people ask - even if you don't really think it is any of their business? Do you always give businesses the personal information they ask for - even if you aren't comfortable with what they might do with it?

Yeah, I used to do that, too. Thankfully, though, I had a conversation with a friend years ago who introduced me to the concept of saying no. We are conditioned - socially engineered, in fact - to feel we have to give complete and honest answers to anyone that asks, regardless of who the person is.

In reality, it is your choice whether to give out information whether it is just more personal information than you wish to divulge to a coworker or casual acquaintance or whether to give out your personal identification and financial details, but those asking expect you to answer and this expectation can carry a strong sense of social obligation to provide the information they requested.

Learning to say no can protect your identity, maintain your privacy, and, in some cases, retain your dignity. It will definitely make you a more active participant in your life rather than one just blindly taking the path others have mapped out.


Online Security

Protecting your information online has been the topic of many articles and websites. Yet, people regularly give out personal details anywhere and everywhere they have a presence online. When I've asked some of them about it, they've told me that everyone's information is "out there" already so why should they worry about it. My response usually is that I'd rather not make it that much easier for the criminals.

Refusing to be so forthcoming can lead to social censuring. In a small group of folks on a "private" forum years ago, I was considered ultra-paranoid because I refused to list the month and day of my birthday so the others could wish me a happy birthday at the appropriate time. Of course, everyone else always posted how old they were each year, making it simple to figure out their birth date - one of those useful pieces of information for an identity thief.

Ordering products online is incredibly convenient these days and can be a useful tool in reducing one's driving. However, using some common sense when doing so is important. The first rule in protecting your information online when buying something is to never enter your personal data - address, phone, account information - unless the site uses encryption to protect that information between your computer and theirs. Providing a secure page to enter personal information is not difficult to do. Businesses that take their customers' privacy concerns seriously provide encryption.

I will not do business with companies that do not provide an https or encrypted page for ordering their products. Happily, in the one instance where I contacted a decent-sized company about this by phone several years ago, the founder took all my information by hand, bypassing his pages that were not protected at the time. He took my concerns seriously and followed up by instituting a change on their entire system, providing https pages for all orders.

Sometimes being the squeaky wheel that says no works. Sometimes, though, you just have to take your business elsewhere. It may be inconvenient but I prefer to do that than feel uncomfortable about giving out my information.


At a Retail Store

Refusing to give information can be more challenging in person. How many times have you gone to pay for an item in a store and had the clerk ask, "May I get your address?" or "What is your phone number?" It always sounds as if they crucially need the information in order to complete the transaction.

No, they don't. All they need is to give you the price of the item you are buying and get your money. It is your choice whether to give them more information that will go into their database, a database that may or may not be shared with other businesses, and whose content may or may not be protected. I used to ask why they needed whatever they were asking for. Now I just say, "No." I'm not rude or nasty about it; I'm just firm. "No, you cannot have my phone number, address, or date of birth. I'd be glad to give you my money in exchange for the item."

Thanks to social conditioning, though, people usually feel compelled to give out their information. It takes practice to break this habit. Think about the likelihood that information will be requested before you get to the register. Pause when asked for it, rather than answering automatically, and make a conscious choice whether to provide it or not.

If you have trouble saying no, practice it at home or in less stressful or public situations. (You know, like when your significant other asks if you'd be nice and get them a glass of water. Practice on them. Not too often, though, or you might have to practice saying no to the demands conveyed by the divorce attorney. Just kidding....I hope.)


Personal Relationships

Refusing to answer a personal question in a conversation can be the very hardest one to master. This is the circumstance that initially led to the conversation with my friend years ago. When someone, whether it is a good friend, coworker, or even someone you've just met, asks a direct personal question, it can be very difficult in that moment to decide that you don't really want to give them that information and then to figure out a way to avoid it without appearing rude. We are conditioned to be polite and accommodating, and this is probably even more true for women than for men. Again, thinking about how you are going to handle such situations ahead of time can really help.

Say your boss frequently asks what your plans for the weekend are but you know that he doesn't really care. He's just fishing to find out if he can call you in for overtime. You feel like you have to answer because he is, well, your boss. He may be your boss, but your personal life is just that. You are not obligated to share it. You can simply say you have plans without going into any detail, and if pressed, just smile, and tell him they are private, you hope he enjoys his weekend, and you'll see him on Monday.

I've had casual acquaintances and friends ask me appallingly nosy questions; I used to answer them because I felt obliged to. I know better now. Sometimes when someone asks such a question, their real desire is to tell you their own answer so turning the question back to them may deflect the need to provide your own answer. Asking them why they want to know is another tactic, but if you are concerned about whether they will perceive this as rude, you have to handle it tactfully.

With some pushy people, a blunt refusal to answer their questions may be your only option. "I'd really rather not say" is a little easier for them to hear than "None of your business!" The first option is gentler as it reflects your choice rather than a judgement about them being nosy.


Wake Up

Life is not like an IRS audit, but learning to simply answer a question yes or no when you must, and then not provide additional information is a valuable skill. It is human nature to want to provide an explanation but it can work against your best interests.

Wake up and start paying attention to your interactions with the world around you. Be an active participant in your life, rather than simply reacting to what others say and ask. Practice saying no to what you don't want (like giving out too much information) and yes to what you do (retaining your privacy and maybe a bit of your dignity, too).